Here It Is: The Cookbook for Weirdos
We don't need another fancy cookbook with schmancy recipes no one has time to make and stuff. We need to compile what it is we ACTUALLY eat. We need to list the stuff we enjoy, but make onlookers reconsider their friendships with us.
We give you: The Cookbook for Weirdos. Like me.
I've listed my own food passions below, plus serving tips. We also got some from WAY-FM listeners this morning. Terrific stuff!
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Cold Broccoli Slaw Pita Sandwiches
Get some broccoli slaw. Get some pitas. Burn the pitas in the toaster. Put cold broccoli slaw into them. Enjoy!
Ice
Put water in tray-things. Place in freezer. Let freeze. Pull out, serve, and munch! Enjoy!
Toast
Burn 8-12 pieces in a toaster. Do not use butter. Enjoy!
Wheat Thins and Grape Magic
While eating a Wheat Thin, place a cold green grape in your mouth. Eat them together. It tastes EXACTLY like apple pie. No one knows why. It just does. It will freak you out. Don't question it. Just enjoy!
Croutons
Remove croutons from crouton box-thing. Perfect for family reunions, mornings on the way to work, after school, at the game -- enjoy!
Shredded-Chicken-in-a-Ziploc-Bag
When busy at desk, reach into lunchbox, pull out chicken for sandwich-making, but don't make a sandwich! Too much work! Eat the bun first, then eat the chicken straight out of the bag! Don't use your fingers -- too messy! Just set bag on chicken on desk, and lower head to eat directly out of it, trough-style! Enjoy!
Two-Step, No-Cook Ramen
Open ramen package. You're too busy to cook it. Takes too long. So just eat the dry noodles, and then rip open "spice packet". Poor "spice" directly into mouth. Enjoy!
Matzoh-Meal
Open package of matzoh bread. For well-balanced lunch, eat entire contents, wash down with glass of lukewarm water. Enjoy!
Rice with Chocolate Bar (Serena)
Cook "just normal" rice. While it's cooking, put a chocolate bar in it. Enjoy!*
* -- Nikki says this is gross. But she likes Krackel Bars, which are the same exact thing. Interesting, huh?
Spinach-n-Juice (Robert, tattling on his wife)
Eat spinach directly out of can. Then tip can back and drink the juice. Enjoy!
Three Musketeers Beverage (Robert, now saying a "friend" does this)
Boil some water with a Three Musketeers bar. Makes one (1) serving of hot cocoa! Enjoy!
Pet Cookie-Flavor Cookies (Phil)
Go to PetSmart. Purchase cookies for dog. Begin to admire cookies. Eat them all yourself. Enjoy!
Noodles-n-Milk (Lauren's "friend")
Boil noodles. Add butter. Place in bowl of milk. Enjoy!
Chicken-Flavored Ramen Chip Dip (Sidney, who's apparently a spokeswoman for Frito-Lay)
Make chicken-flavored ramen. Dip "Lay's" brand chips into ramen for tasty, and healthy, treat. Enjoy!
Butter Pecan Ice Cream Chip Dip (Sidney, who's apparently a spokeswoman for Frito-Lay)
Grab some butter pecan ice cream. Dip "Lay's" brand chips into ice cream for tasty, and healthy, treat. Enjoy!
Mug o'Ritz (Melissa)
Place crumbled-up Ritz Crackers in a cup. Fill cup with milk, and spoon up the flavor! Enjoy!
PB and H Sandwiches (Nehemiah)
Put peanut butter "on both sides of the bread", then add ham. Enjoy!
Ginormous Can of Popcorn Party Mix (Some Nice Woman Whoses Name I Didn't Get)
Get one of those ginormous cans of popcorn, the ones with the little dividers between the flavors of popcorn. Then, IGNORE THE DIVIDERS. EAT THE DIFFERENT KINDS AT THE SAME TIME. Chaos! Enjoy!
Some Alfalfa Sprouts in a Pita with Goat Cheese Special! (Lisa)
Put some alfafa sprouts in a pita with goat cheese. Enjoy!
Bananas Cut into Pieces! (Jacqueline)
Eat bananas but -- get this -- CUT THEM INTO PIECES FIRST. Mash those piece with a fork. Krazy! Enjoy!
"Dylan Sandwiches" (John, whom I thought said his name was "Dylan")
Take rice cakes, put melted cheese in between, slather with peanut butter. Enjoy!
Sardines w/Buttermilkb (Sam)
Eat meal of sardines, wash down with glass of pure buttermilk. (Another serving suggestion: Top buttermilk with whipped cream!) Enjoy!
Peanut Butter Pleasure (Elizabeth)
Sandwich with mayo, lettuce, peanut butter, and...onion powder! "It's incredible," says Elizabeth. Enjoy!
BLT -- Except with No "L" or "T", but with a "P" and a "B" and some "K" (Someone's mom)
Kick it sandwich-style with bacon, peanut butter, and ketchup! Together at last! Enjoy!
PB Hot Dogs! (Someone's stepmom)
Hot dogs, but now with peanut butter! Two great tastes that go great together! Enjoy!
Southern Style Watermelon (Guy from Alabama)
It's like watermelon -- but with peanut butter on top of it! Enjoy!
Ketchup-y Pickles (Marina)
The title pretty much explains this. Serve, and enjoy!
