From this Morning's Show: On Stress and Marriage and Stuff

Since we were talking about it, and since I got some requests for it, here's something I've posted before.  I'm hereby offering advice to no one in particular.  No one asked for it, and no one should vainly imagine themselves its intended audience.  So be not offended.  I didn't have you in mind.  You probably think this song is about you?  Don't you?  Don't you?

Put Your Dang Kids to Bed

Seriously.  You can do it.

If you want to have a marriage with some zing, put your dang kids to bed.  Put them to bed EARLY. Put them to bed on time, the same time, every night, and make them stay there. 

Then, go goof off with your wife.  Laugh and talk and unwind and watch "Walker, Texas Ranger" until you can't laugh anymore.  Be unproductive.  Smooch.  Do this every night.

Your kids need to sleep, and they can sleep.  They actually don't have to get up every ten minutes.  They're just doing that to get attention and delay bedtime.  Don't allow it, or you're a pansy.

This gives you -- and, more importantly, your wife -- some peaceful time, every day, to look forward to.  Moreover, it lets you stay happily married.  She's under less stress, you have time to connect, life is good, your marriage means something, and you remember you're not just roomies with junior-size roomies running around.

Don't just "help" with bedtime.  Supervise it, entirely.  Let your wife use that time as wind-down time, or to take care of last-minute things.  Kids will want to make bedtime an endless parade of traditions, too, in order to stave it off.  Don't let this happen.  Make it as simple a process as possible.  If you want to read a story, awesome!  Just start early enough that the lights go off at the appointed time.  Your kids will start to complain.  Too bad.  Lights off.  Sweet dreams.  Buh-bye.

Let them know that your time with your wife trumps all other considerations, and, after their bedtime, they are "other considerations."   Kids resist this, but -- deep down -- positively love it.

7 p.m. is not too early for young children.  Give yourself a couple hours together, not one or two nights a week, but five or six. 

If she's stressed out every night, because of her job, let her quit her job.  If you can't afford it, afford it.  Sell stuff.  Move.  Rent.  Forget the college fund.  Don't buy dumb cars and houses and stuff to make yourself feel cool, and miss out on a joyous, stress-limited marriage.  She can take care of herself.  It'll give her time, and energy, to love her children, her neighbors, and you.

So you bought her a nice car?  Who gives a rip?  She'd rather drive an old mini-van and have you around, living life together at a sweet, beautiful pace.  Even if she doesn't think she wants this, she does.

Quit buying garbage and live in a trailer if you have to.  And put your trailer-kids to bed, for crying out loud.  Don't let them get up unless it's an emergency.  Smooch your wife.

There.  Sheesh.

Comments

[Michael P. Taylor]

"Since I got some requests for it, here's something I've posted before. I'm hereby offering advice to no one in particular. No one asked for it"

Woah! Nice work, there, Mister Got-My-Story-Straight!

[Monica Battaile]

Thank you, Krusty Sage,

I remember this letter from before. It reminded me that my sister and I used to be put to bed at 7pm every night until I was 12, and then it was moved up to 7:30pm. It reminded me that *I* am the boss and not the kids - it's hard to remember that when they're 3 and maniacally yelling the words "I'm the center of the universe" too loudly for you to think. My daughter's bedtime quickly switched from 9pm to 7pm. Life is now a lot more sane. Thank you, Krusty Sage, for reminding us that we are the ones in charge.

[ZZ]

Hear hear!

[Adam Penner]

best post ever... thanks brant.

- dad in KS

[Kimberly]

My husband and I started doing this a few months ago. If you are firm and don't wobble, it only takes a couple of nights for them to get it that you're serious about them going to bed. My husband is better at it than me. I'm a bit of a sucker for a needy child. My husband and I are much happier now in the evenings and have more time together. Great post Brant.

[Mom in the Carolinas]

Brant keep ranting because you speak volumes for key ways to keep communication and time for eachother. With God as your center and your wife by your side, together it's possible to have the core of happiness. People get caught up in things rather than love and family.

I had that and then together with my husband lost it all. After 24 yrs were seperated/divorcing... never saw it coming. He decided to have 4 "Communication Friends" to the tune of 900+ text msg, 3,000 calls per month with married women 20 yrs younger than me. He refused counseling, adult children are angry, hurt and unsettled. So you rant, because you are saving marriages out in radio land.

God Bless you and all the radio dj's... a wise, old fan who holds strong to her faith and you feed my soul on days when I'm sad/feel alittle lost. But I trust my Lord, life will be better, I will be better from the experience and I pray daily for my family even my X that we can be friendly in time. Forgiveness is key for me on my faith journey.

[julie]

yes, suh. sending my hubby this post right...NOW.

[Stacey]

Yup! Went to bed every night of the summer WHILE IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE. My folks are still married and happy...43 years later. This is a magic formula!

[Genevieve]

If more people thought this way, there would be more happy marriages (my parents have been married for 23 years - I don't have a single friend with married parents)...

More happy marriages and less Bentlys, 12 room mansions, Hummers and 80in. flat screens.

[Christy]

Even when my husband is deployed, my kids still go to bed at the same time, the exception only being on weekends, when we have "movie night"....

[Ebee]

That was awesome!!!

[Fenton Hollingsworth]

Excellent post, Brant. My wife and I have been contemplating how we are going to afford children and a house and all this other hoopla that is geared more towards our wants instead of our needs. Thanks for reminding us that it is all secondary to the love we have for each other and for our family.

[Dawn B.]

AMEN!!! Our kids always went to bed on time when they were little. Now they are teens and work evenings. So that is our time. When they get home we talk for 30 minutes about their day and then off to bed. After 20 years we make time for each other especially on hectic weeks. This keeps us sane and intune with one another.
Thanks for your post. I pray it helps lots of families.
This has been our advice to young couples and even older ones. You MUST have time as a couple for one day the kids will be gone and then what do you have? 2 strangers.
God bless you and this station.

[Yvonne Goss]

Wow where were these words of wisdom 15 or 20 years ago when my hubby and I were just starting out? I missed the opportunity to use this wisdom...but you can bet I'll pass this info on to my 5 daughters for their husbands! Thank You Brant :)

[Bethany McKay]

Awesome Post. This so true, especially if one spouse has to be up early. theres no reason for parents to go to bed the same time as kids. The marriage relationship should always come first, before kids, extended families and Mom and Dad's bed is only for Mom and Dad.
Thansk for the post, good to see someone in radio saying what has needed saying for years.

[gina]

cool